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(this space for rent)Jesse Linder's Bard-log |
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Try this thought, Jesse - the fact that you *can* play guitar well enough to accompany yourself is better than many aspiring, and real, musicians can do. (Myself included.)
If we're honest with ourselves (which some people aren't, sad to say, but you generally are honest with yourself), we are our own harshest critic. You think you're not worthy enough to teach guitar lessons. I'm not worthy to play dulcimer to your guitar, or to be on the same stage as Molly & Tink. Which I, on some level deep inside, know is absolute horse$h!t - out of the three Minstrosity recordings, I play dulcimer on two of them, and comparing it to other dulcimer recordings, I'm certainly not the greatest in the world, but I don't suck, either - I can hold my own. But I have this little critic voice in me that says "You, Thane, you're just an upstart, these guys have been doing it for much longer than you, they're *better* than you, why bother trying..." Self-esteem issues - yeah, I have them, too. I'm in negotiations to play a wedding in October. Solo, on the dulcimer. Part of me is thinking "I can't do that! I need a band, accompaniment, help!" I don't think I'm worthy, or good enough. But I'm negotiating anyway, because on some level, I know I can do it. You don't think you're much of a guitarist. But there's this little voice in you that says "yeah, you can do this." It's the same one that said "yeah, you can perform solo." You know how to listen to it. You, too, have that "some level" that says "yes, you can." And guess what? You can.
Have you considered something like "The Artist's Way"? It can get a little annoying at times, but it really is a good framwework for the artist to figure out the ways you are holding yourself back.
Obviously, I am not a musician (couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, and clapping along to a beat requires effort {and I lip-synch at the musicians' jams...}) but I am an artist and craftsperson, and boy howdy do I know about self-criticism and self-doubt. It manifests for each of us differently at times, but we all do it. After 16 years of selling my work with more success than failure, I am still struggling to price it, because there's still a little voice in my brain telling me that MY work isn't as good as a "real" artist's, people must be buying it out of pity, and where do I get off expecting people to give me money for it??
The thing is, when it comes to our art - whether it be playing guitar or stringing beads - we are essentially selling a piece of ourselves. When you work for someone else, your stake is far smaller, and you don't have as much to lose. When you are selling you, you are putting yourself out there to be judged, assessed, compared, and criticized. And if you'll pardon my crudeness, even considering putting yourself out there in the way of that takes serious balls (figuratively speaking, that is, as I won't be speculating on the contents of anyone's trousers, thankyouverymuch.) You've already taken the BIGGEST steps against your fear - you put yourself out there and overcame the big one. Anything after that should be gravy. And you have to think about how you define failure, too. I always remember something I read about Michael Jordan and his success. A psychologist was talking about role models and he said that sometimes we're not at all realistic. He said, "God gave ONE MAN the ability to fly: Michael Jordan. We need to accept that, and realize that it's unlikely ANYONE will ever be as good." You don't need to be the Michael Jordan of folk music. You just need to be the best Jesse you can be. |  | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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